The Road Not Chosen

If I Were An M & M

I'd look like this:

Of course, on occasion I am full of chocolate! (Click here to become an M & M.)

"Satan's ultimate lie is that you are capable of being the god of your own life, and his ultimate bondage is getting you to live as though his lie is truth."
~ Neil Anderson ~

I am, by nature, a solitary person. An only child, I grew up learning to entertain myself. As a member of a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps family, I learned early on to make my own way in the world, not depending on others more than was absolutely necessary. What could be wrong, after all, with being self-sufficient?

As a Christian, I learned that a lot could be wrong. It is impossible to rule your own life and to give it over to God at the same time. Oh, it sounds good to say that you don’t want to “bother” or “inconvenience” anyone with the details of your life, your struggles, your needs or wants. It can even sound “humble”. Yet God did not design us to live this way.

In the Garden, God decided that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone, so He created Eve. They were to help & depend on God and on each other. Satan came in from the start to separate them & convince them that they could be in charge of their own lives. He persuaded Eve that she really didn’t need God’s rule in her life and she certainly didn’t have to trust what her Creator had told her. She passed that thinking on to Adam, who bought right into it! And so that lie continues today.

As we independently go about our days, not consulting with God or anyone else, we fail to notice the alienation that we are really living in. Satan has separated us from the safety that comes by submitting our lives to God & each other. Proverbs 11:14 tells us “the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances.” (Message Version)

Another wonderful passage is in Romans 12 which says: “… we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.”

What we aren’t designed to be is lone rangers, responsible only to ourselves. That truly is the devil’s ultimate lie, which causes untold misery, loneliness and sorrow. Why? Because our very essence is created by God to need Him and to need others. I can say from my own & other’s experiences that when left to my independent thoughts & devices, there is inevitably a hole in the road that I won’t see and will eventually fall into. It can be a very scary experience learning to let our vulnerabilities show but so worth the effort. How wonderful life has become since relying on my heavenly Father and those wonderful brothers and sisters He has placed around me! Comfort and wisdom are mine just for the asking, and I am no longer held captive to the isolationist lie of the enemy of my soul.

In Local News...

Just a quick update on what's happening in our house. Evan's surgeon e-mailed us Wednesday night & asked that Evan get an ultrasound of his hip Thursday. The surgeon wanted to see if there was good blood supply to Evan's femur. (There is.) So we booked Evan for his very first MRI. We have an open MRI here, and we were fortunate to get in with them, as they had a cancellation. Harold & I were both pretty unsure if Ev would cooperate. I mean, I have to take Valium before I get an MRI, so I could only imagine how Ev would handle it. I figured the loud, pulsing noise would freak him out. Much to our surprise, he did great. In fact, the tech said he was the best patient they'd had all week, seriously. So our son endured the noise and 45 minutes of lying on his back without moving. Hooray! I guess he's getting to the point that if something isn't going to hurt, he'll go with the flow.

We have an appointment Monday afternoon to see the orthopedist (not the surgeon) who will, we assume, start discussing our surgery options. We have spent the weekend, being the good geek's we are, Googleing "hip replacement" and "hip reconstruction" and "hip dysplasia" and anything else that came to mind so we would be fairly well prepared. We so need the wisdom of God as we talk to the doctors! Our hope is that they are leaning towards the hip replacement, which would take a few weeks recovery. Our fear is that if they want Evan to have a hip reconstruction, which involves several months in a spica cast, he may loose skills that might never be regained.

I did come across this quote from Henry Ward Beecher a couple of days ago: Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.  I am choosing to take hold of tomorrow with the handle of faith, even though the handle of anxiety keeps poking me in the side!

On a fun note, we bought a new-ish car on Thursday! We replaced my 1991 Honda Accord, which was rusted & not prone to start, with a 2005 Ford Taurus. Evan was just happy to have a car with a CD player, as my Accord didn't even have a working radio. When he got in the car Friday morning, he pulled 5 CD's out of his pocket, which was hilarious as the ride to school is all of 4 minutes long. We are not a family that replaces our vehicles very often. In fact, we hadn't bought a car for 9 years. And the 2005 is the "youngest" car we've ever owned. So this was a big thrill for us.

I'll try to update tomorrow evening when we get back from the doctors. Have a good week everyone!

Are We There Yet?

"If winter comes, can spring be far behind?" Percy Bysshe Shelly

It is sometimes difficult to imagine, berated by cold winds and gray, bitter days, that in a short time the earth will be filled once more with warmth and greenery. Many days I longed to be taken out of the deep freeze of the Midwest and deposited on the sunny California seashore where I grew up. Tired of short days, deprived of my needed daily requirement of UV rays, my temper seemed to dip lower with the falling mercury of the thermometer. 

I remember a cold, winter day in (oddly enough) California, three weeks after Evan's January 21 birth. Sitting on my bed, looking out the window at the dormant bushes in our yard, tears slid down my cheeks. I felt beat-to-a-pulp-dead inside. Life seemed like it would be wretched forever.

Quietly God spoke to my heart. "Without winter, there is no spring. Without death, there is no life. Spring will come again and joy will return to your soul." I don't know that I really believed Him in that moment, in all honesty. It seemed easy for Him to say, after all He was in control of everything and I was clearly in control of not one thing it seemed.

Again, God spoke. "What you sow does not come to life unless it dies." (1 Cor. 15:36) At that I began a journey which would help me understand that I had to let my selfish desires die, plant that shriveled seed in the ground, water it with my faith & hope in God, and wait to see His desire for my life sprout up. But first I would have to endure the winter.

Nineteen years later, I can say that spring has come, full of beauty, color and laughter. Also, winter has come, over and over. But I know now, as the poet said, if winter comes, spring is just around the corner.

My lover said to me, "Rise up, my darling!

Come away with me, my fair one!

Look, the winter is past, and the rains are over and gone.

The flowers are springing up,

the season of singing birds has come,

and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.

Song of Solomon 2:10-12

Birthday Boy

(From L to R) Matt, Evan, Kristin, D'Markus & Harold

Evan turned 19 today so he celebrated after church by having lunch at his favorite Mexican restaurant with some friends (& us!) There were several other families we know who happened to be there at the same time. He was serenaded (to his embarrassment & enjoyment) by both the Burbee family & his friends Stephanie & Daniel. Then we headed home through landscape that looks like this:

Yes, another picture of snow - about 5 inches of it that fell last night. At least it covers up the ice that fell last week & makes everything look pretty!

No word on a surgery date yet. We are going to e-mail the surgeon tonight so hopefully we will hear something by tomorrow. I have all my year-end bookkeeping duties finished & Ev's celebrated his b-day so we are all ready to go. Thanks to all for the words of encouragement & continued prayers.

Out My Front Door

Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.  ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. ~ Albert Camus

Out Of Joint

There is never any shortage of drama in our household, even though I would sure like there to be! We took Evan for an x-ray last Friday, so his surgeon could check to see that his hip was healing properly. The x-ray tech told Harold that it looked like Evan's hip was out of joint. Stunned, Harold called me & told me to come home from work, as he was sure we would have to make a trip to the surgeon's. By the time I got home, Harold was on the phone with the surgeon's assistant. They couldn't understand how Ev's hip could be out of place, as he was in no pain, could walk & sit with no problem. They were sure there was a mistake & maybe the tech misread the x-ray. They would look at the films as soon as they got them but everything was probably fine. Right....

Late yesterday afternoon, the surgeon's assistant called me to say they had gotten the x-ray's from the hospital & it did indeed look like Evan's hip was out of joint. We would need to make the trip to the surgeon's today so he could take an x-ray of his own & examine Evan. However, the surgeon was sure it was probably back in joint because Ev was walking, etc. To be on the safe side, he wanted to see Evan. So the guys made the drive this morning & I went to work to try & get W-2's done. It is that time of year.

Sure enough, Evan's hip is out of joint! How he has been getting around is a mystery to all. No one knows how long it's been out. Since his hip socket is so shallow, they can't really pop it back in place without it coming back out again. So... (drum roll, please!) he needs to have surgery! I don't even know how to process that info at the moment so I'm just putting it on the back burner for a day or two.

The surgeon is contacting 2 other orthopedic surgeons who are supposed to be the best there is. He wants to make sure that joint replacement is the best alternative as opposed to hip reconstruction. Hip reconstruction = 6-9 months of recovery including a spica cast. Joint replacement = 4-6 weeks (probably) of recovery. The surgeon will also investigate the best option for a patient w. Down's as the low muscle tone is a complication.  He will call us next week to discuss our options further.

There. I've written it. I think I'll go eat some chocolate now.

The Changeling

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world,
but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
Then you will know what God wants you to do,
and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.
-Romans 12:2

I used to live my life for myself. Well, at least I took great pride in thinking I was living for myself, independent, "liberated", free to make my own choices. You know, the usual lies. Yes, lies, because we never live for ourselves. Always we are influenced by others, by what we have read, seen, been exposed to. It's the height of foolishness to delude ourselves into thinking that we live an original life. As King Solomon said, "There is nothing new under the sun."

So I lived, making choices good & choices bad & sometimes choices downright evil. I wove myself into a messy conglomerated mess of existential philosophy, feminism, drug & alcohol hazed, desperate living. One day that mess became so putrid even I couldn't stand it. I mopped the mess of my life into a bucket and brought it to God.

One might think things were "heavenly" after that. Life was better except for one thing. I exchanged being influenced by the carnal world for being influenced by the customs of the church I attended. Ever the one to make my own choices, I kept working away at my life. Trying to change my old habits, my old ways of thinking, life was better but I struggled, not really feeling the peace I had expected to find the day I gave God my bucket.

Through some wonderful grace & mercy, as the days, months & years went by, it finally dawned on me. God made me and God was the only one who could really change me. Some wonderful metamorphosis occurred when I stopped trying to conform to a culture, even if it was a church culture, and rested in the hands of my Creator & Redeemer. I came, as they say, to the end of my self. Asking God each day who He wanted me to be, reading His word and quieting myself, I finally really knew how God wanted me to live & who I was to be: His child, dependant on Him for everything.

All this is not to say I didn't have to do anything. Quite the opposite! Choosing to submit oneself to another (even if it is God) is a decision not easily made or walked out. It does take action & will. No robot-living allowed! Yet making the choice to not only come to God with my messy bucket but to place it into His hands to deal with is the only thing we can really do. I had to learn not to keep taking the bucket away from Him. "Here, Lord, I'll clean this up & then I'll give it to you. I don't want to get your robes dirty. And it's all kind of smelly, so you don't really need to have it around."

God really will change us once we really give Him our mess and let go of it. He will scour us & clean us up, getting into the parts of us that we can't reach on our own. So this week, make sure you let go of your bucket. The One who made us is surely strong enough to stand the stench & dirt of our life and He is truly the only one who can make us new.

A Big Thank You...

to all of you who commented & sent e-mail's about  my last post. I felt like I do need to clear up one point though. I am definitely not against mom's being tested to see if the baby they are carrying has Down Syndrome. I feel that is a decision mom's & dad's have to make. What I am against is mom's & dad's being given inaccurate and outdated info about Down Syndrome. I am against abortion because each human life had worth. I also think it should be made very, very clear if you are pregnant, that the only 100 percent accurate test for Down Syndrome (that I know of) is amniocentesis. Too many tragic decisions are made based on inaccurate test results.

All that being said, Harold & I often wonder if it would have been easier to find out that Evan had Down's while I was pregnant. I had a blissfully easy pregnancy but labor was difficult & I had to have an emergency C-section as Evan's heart rate was unsteady (because of the holes in his heart). So perhaps it would have been better to have been emotionally prepared & for the doctor to be prepared to deliver a baby that might have a heart problem. (I say "might" because not all babies who have Down's are born with heart problems.) On the other hand, it was the only pregnancy I was ever able to have & it was a very happy nine months. My OB-GYN did offer me a blood test, as I was 30 years old, but the test was new then. I knew I would never abort so I declined it.

I will also say that we had an amazing support team in my doctor & Evan's pediatrician. They both gave us the most up-to-date info available in 1988. Also, California had enacted a law that if you gave birth to a special needs child, the hospital by law had 24 hours in which to get a social worker to you to inform you about what services were available to your child, the most up-to-date medical info, and to help you through any emotional crisis you may have been experiencing.

My wonderful doctor also sent a nurse, who had a 16 year old son with DS, to visit us before we left the hospital. This lady told us lots of info on what to expect & encouraged us to not forget to celebrate the baby that God had given us as all life is precious. (Good advice!) So we took Evan home with the advantage of knowing that his life, while certainly different than we had imagined, was not going to be horrible & bleak.

I'd also like to thank any new visitors who might have come by via the link to this site that I put in one of my posts on the MSNBC message board. I hope you have learned something new about Down Syndrome & will pass that info on.

Have a great weekend!

The Debate Continues

It's been an interesting couple of days for me. On Dec. 31, MSNBC.com posted an article about Down Syndrome screening being urged for all pregnancies..  At first thought, I found it interesting that the screening was particularly aimed at Down's. I'm not quite sure why that is. There is a link in the article to MSNBC's Pregnancy Message Board where the question was asked: Would you screen for Down Syndrome? I read the board with much interest, not intending to comment. Then people began posting mis-information about Down's. So I jumped in, of course. (If you're interested you can pop over there & read my posts. My name is RoadNotChosen.) I took some (hard) hits from a doctor who insisted his "facts" were right (30 yr. life span, most severely retarded, most have serious health probs., etc.) & mine were wrong. I never could figure out why he was so angry at me.

I also took a hit for being "religious" although I never mentioned God in my comments. Believe me, I consider it an honor to be slammed by the oddly-named "patiencepays" who said about me:

I suspect you to be a religious person who still believes in surrendering to the chaos of our universe by choosing ignorance over informed decision making.The latter of which is preferred by the majority of people in the developed world in these complex days thank goodness. Feel free to choose the weak kneed ignorant path for yourself.

I do think they need to change their name though, as they apparently are not patient with "religious persons".

In all this back & forth, I was most taken aback by the following comment by MetroG:

I personally would choose to abort the pregnancy of a Downs baby.  I can totally understand the feelings of those of you who have/had DS children.  Your heart is obviously bigger than mine.  I am just of the opinion that I'll probably only have one or two children in my life ....  And I want them to be as close to perfect as they can possibly be given the set of genes that I and my partner would bring to the table.  Modern Science now gives us the option to ensure that our offspring are more genetically fit than in generations past.  I will always elect to use those options rather than leaving it up to random chance.  Again, I salute you for having enough patience and love in your heart to devote yourself to these children as strongly as you do.  It is admirable beyond measure.  On the other hand, I think it is unreasonable for anyone to demand that these types of pregnancies must be carried to term.  It should be entirely up to the mother and father of that potential child, not society at large and certainly not under the discretion of any theologians.  After all it is that mother and father who will have to bear the burden of that child.  It is their decision alone, whether or not it should be born.

I know this is an increasingly prevalent opinion. My heart always breaks for those of this opinion because as I have posted before, once we start picking & choosing who can be born, we will soon be picking & choosing when it's time for people to die. As I lay in bed last night, I wondered what the future holds for not just our children, who are becoming more of a minority every day, but what it holds for me when I reach 80 or 90 years old. Will euthanasia be common? Will people who have severe disabilities, either through birth, accident, or old age, be pushed towards death? Stigmatized if they choose to continue to live? People think that sounds crazy but so did Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and the many others who have brought genocide on others because only a "chosen group" was deemed worthy of life.

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but perhaps I should make one this year to pray more for our nation, that all life would be deemed valuable & sacred, and that the Church would show the love of Christ to those around us in such a way that hearts would be turned towards Jesus, because He is the only one who can save us all.