No Thanks!

Thanksgiving, it's inescapable this month isn't it? We are encouraged to make lists of what we're thankful for, to appreciate our blessings and one another, to pause and reflect on the good things God has given us. As I was pondering all this the other day, my thoughts were drawn to a time in my life when I was everything but thankful.

Nineteen years ago Harold & I seemed to be standing on the brink of "success" in every area of our lives. Fresh out of bible school, we were on staff at a church we loved, I was pregnant with our first child, we had a great house filled with new furniture and life seemed to be full of promise and blessing. We were living our dream! Yes, I truly was very thankful for all that the Lord had done.

Then bit by bit things started to change. I was laid off from my job. Then Harold was laid off, on my 30th birthday I might add, oh, and I was 8 months pregnant. Next Evan was born. With Down Syndrome. Did I mention Evan had 3 holes in his heart and, oh yes, neither of his parents were employed? Things went bad at the church we were in. Real bad. I was devastated by deep betrayals in relationships that turned bad. Harold couldn't find a job for a long time. I couldn't even think of getting one as Evan was so sick & we were waiting for him to be well enough to have surgery. I had a hard time finding anything to be thankful about.

Through this our bills still got paid. Time & again God provided finances in ways only described by the word "miraculous". Someone even left $500 on our doorstep once. Our Mormon landlord was amazed every month that we were able to pay the rent. I did have glimmers of appreciation for what God did, but I can't honestly say I was full of thanks. My eyes only saw what was wrong.

We moved to St. Louis, landed good jobs, put Evan in a great daycare, and our marriage began to fall apart. Harold attended the church we went to while in bible college, going only because he knew he should, not because he really wanted to. I gave up on church, mad at God, although I refused to admit it. When we look back at those days now, we can't remember any events. No birthdays or trips or much even about day-to-day life. Just a big, grey, nothingness. I stood stamping my spoiled little, spiritual foot, demanding that the Creator of the Universe put things back the way they were "before". Not a drop of thankfulness could be found in me. None.

Still God was faithful. Harold & I both got regular raises & promotions, Evan grew healthy, bills were paid, groceries were bought. And I in my heart I hated my husband and blamed God for what I thought I didn't have. I made lists of the things that were wrong, offenses that had been suffered, without a thought about the state of my heart.

"And the earth was without form and empty. And darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved on the waters. And God said, Let there be light. And there was light." (Gen. 1:2-3)

One day I woke up. I realized that I had come to the end of myself and all that was in me had become without form, empty & dark. I was repulsed at who I had let myself become. It was no one's fault but my own. I had let bitterness destroy me. Yet, as He did in the beginning of time, God moved & said "Let there be light". To my utter surprise, light came back into my life. I ran to Jesus & apologized for my arrogance, anger, & pride. I was the prodigal, running back home to my Father's arms. I was overflowing with thanks-giving, daily offering prayers of gratefulness for the restoration that happened in my life. Healing came to me, to my marriage, to my relationships with those around me.

Life has not always been easy since then. I have learned my lesson though. When things aren't going the way I would like & bitterness tries to creep in, I stop and find something, anything, to be grateful for. I focus on my blessings, which are always many even in the worst of times, and say with King David, "I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth...The righteous cry, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles." (Ps. 34)  And for that I am thankful.

Comments

[Deanna]

WOW - God is so amazing! I've experienced very similar circumstances in my own marriage when we lived like bad roommates for many years speaking only in maintenance conversations (what time to pick the kids up etc) angry with God, bitter and resentful toward each other.
God is so faithful and so good to not only heal those relationships but to restore them!
I'm thankful you allowed the pricks of those thorns to provoke you to seek Him again!
This is such an amazing testimony!

[Pat Kirk]

Very honest. I couldn't "put it down". Thank you for a good lesson and read.

[Eleanor]

I like your personal posts, like this one.

[Amy]

Hi, Lori! I haven't ever really heard much of your story before. Thank you for sharing.

[Julana]

Thank you, Lori. I would never have imagined your history, from your blog. I know what it is to struggle with attitud. I'm so glad you came through, and Evan is having such a good life. I surely hope his surgery goes well, next week.

[Lori]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind comments. It's always a bit scary to be transparent, but worth it if it helps someone. Thanks for the encouragement!

[Simone Widney]

Wow, Lori. What can I say? I've heard other people talk about such dark days of their marriages. I LOVE that you said you changed yourself first and then everything else started to fall in line.