My emotions have been sneaking up on me lately. I'm not sure if I'm still trying to recover physically and emotionally from our trip to California or if my hormones are just out of wack. Hard to tell. It's one of those times that I keep Kleenex handy in nearly every room because you never know when you might need one.
My favorite room to cry in is our kitchen. I can sit at the table, look out the French doors onto our nice, bunny-filled back yard, and really let loose. Of course, this is when no one is at home. I am famous for absolutely hating to cry in front of anyone, ever. I come from a long line of people who value tightly controlled emotion above almost all else. Although I do think that gene is kind of recessive in me. Most of the time you can take one look at me and know my emotional state. The problem with this is that I have never been a good poker player. But at least my family & friends don't have to guess whether or not I am in a good mood. It is just sort of, well, apparent.
I actually made myself sick while visiting my Dad in the hospital. After two or three days of trying to tightly control my emotions, I actually started feeling dizzy and nauseous. When I asked God what was wrong, He said, "Just be yourself. Be true to who you really are. You're trying to suppress your feelings. It's making you sick." Now God wasn't telling me to wail and carry on like a crazy person. He was just reminding me that when I try to make myself fit into someone else's mold it doesn't work. I stopped worrying about what anyone would think if tears rolled down my cheeks as I held my unconscious father's hand. Tears in that situation showed love, not lack of faith as some would believe.
So yes I am in a "Kleenex in the kitchen" season of my life right now. But that's ok. As Paul said in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (Message Version):
So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
Amen to that! And we are still praying for your dad.
We love you!
Posted by: Molly | June 17, 2006 at 12:12 PM
Lori,
I'm glad you can cry. That can be a healthy, healing way to deal with things.
Posted by: Julana | June 19, 2006 at 08:15 PM